Craigslist, Wonder & Darkness

Written by:  Jason Sarna

Edited by:  Sharon Estill

Joboja Staff Writers

Why are the personals on Craigslist.com so engrossing? I can't go a single day without checking out the women seeking men page. It just blows my mind: Women seeking men. 

There are actually WOMEN posting ads to find men. Are you kidding me? When did women become Internet men seekers? And why are they even seeking? They don't need to seek; they just have. 

Women have the beauty, the cleanliness, the body, the MEN! They HAVE the men! What are they thinking? They walk outside—men. They go to the store—men. They use the washroom—men. Men, men, men! 

Why do you think they're called Women? W (We) O (Own) MEN!

Why seek? I mean, I'm glad, VERY glad, that women started seeking, but I just don't understand it. Is there a thrill to the seek? What's their purpose behind it? 

Women aren't born seekers; they're born outers. If they're out, men will find them. They just need to be out.

Men however, must seek; are born to seek and will never stop seeking. Men can't go out and expect random women to approach them. It just doesn't happen. 

Sure, a small percent of women are Internet seeking, but women aren't real-life seeking yet. That's crazy! It may be years, decades, centuries before that happens. So until then, men, seek!

My name's Jason and I seek on Craigslist. It's very important to have a seek comfort zone. I've never been 100% comfortable seeking women in real life—I prefer the fantasy Internet land.

When you real-life seek, you have to be interesting, look good, act cool and be "on." There's too much pressures associated with the real-life seek. I'd much rather sit at home, take my time to compose and post an ad and then wait for the magic to happen. 

It's much better this way. You don't force any unwanted "Hi's" on women – you let them decide. And you can make yourself sound a lot more advanced than you really are. They see Atari, but they read XBOX 360.

Internet seeking is more than a way of life…it's a way to win, date and sound interesting.

So what's up; how does it work?

Simply go to Craigslist.com, click on men seeking women, click post in the upper right hand corner and follow the necessary steps—just make sure you post with confidence. 

Confidence is the key to achieving/becoming a Craigslist success story. Don't you want to be a success story? Of course, we ALL want to be that success story!

"Hey fellow date searchers, Jim 23/m here, hooked up with Sally 22/f after she read my post. She said my words were soft and elegant. We went out for pizza last night. And afterwards, we shared our first kiss." 

That could be YOU!!! Or it could be me! Either way, we're making progress as a group.

So let's do it! Let's become a success! Me…I've been trying. 

I mean, I don't want to brag, but I already got four posts under my belt. That makes me a master poster. And since I'm a master poster, I can teach you how to become a…you're not going to be master after one post, so you'd be a…blue belt poster. I'm not sure on that blue belt, but you're not a master yet—that takes four posts. 

Anyway, let's begin. Let's talk about that first post and create some successes. Ahh…that first post—that sweet sweet first post. I still remember mine like it was yesterday…

I was at work and blowing my mind apart while searching Craigslist's women seeking men page when I suddenly had a thought…I should post.

So I told the other employees, "Don't bother me, I got stuff to do," and embarked on wild posting adventure. I thought about post ideas for about two seconds, and then I got it. I planned to kick it off with a BANG! 

Oh, I kicked. I kicked like a strong stallion who couldn't be knocked over by Zeus or any other bearded guy who threw lightning bolts. I kicked with gusto while imagining all the righteous babes who would answer my call. I kicked the air just to get more kicks in there. Here's what I kicked:  

Just Call me Stallion, Steed, or Golden Chest

”Heavy hitter, fast talking, let's make a deal type of guy. I'm the go getter--I'm gonna go get things. I'm the mover--let's move it buddy. I'm another man's worst nightmare—I'm in Krueger's dreams. I'm also making this all up; except I am actually in Krueger's dreams. But really, I'm just the typical worker. You know, who does the ahh...the...the things. I listen a lot. Do a lot of listening and a lot of feeling. Really have to feel out the situation before I can go in and start smacking people around. I'm a big water drinker, and I think that's only reason I stay at my job--they have great water. That's enough for now.”

Best post ever—umm…yes! I was pretty excited; no, I was ecstatic after writing that. I put it out there raw for the ladies and had a strong feeling that I would be rewarded with several dates.

I went to bed that night feeling like a child awaiting Christmas morning. Except instead of waking to a room full of presents, I was waking to a mailbox full of hot e-mails. 

When I awoke, I tossed off the covers, grabbed the computer and turned on the love machine. I was expecting, ballpark figure; about ten to twenty e-mails from all sorts of chicks begging for dates, girlfriend status, marriage, you name it. 

"Come on, come on." The computer was taking exceptionally long to boot, but once it did, I knew it'd be worth the wait. I grabbed my calendar and started looking what days I had free. "Dating days," I said as I marked the entire month of June with a HUGE "D."

My computer finally booted up, and I immediately jumped online. "Here it comes, get ready, and I got…umm, what the fuck? Refresh…refresh…refresh......refresh. Nothing. No messages. NOTHING! YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!!!"

I wanted to destroy my apartment by jumping through it and breaking off the entire roof section and throwing it into the sky like Superman, but then I thought, "It's only been one day. Tomorrow will be gold." I spent the rest of the day watching reruns of Alf.

"The wedding bells are ringing; the birds are singing! Oh, what a glorious new day!" I got a response. Who? Me? Yeah, some chick was into me. I wasn't too surprised; I knew someone would eventually dig me.

We e-mailed back and forth, exchanged pics and just enjoyed each other’s words. It was nice. I was learning about her and she was learning about me. We were becoming friends and something more. 

I told her that I work at Radio Shack. She told me she's a Doctor. I told her I lived in an apartment. She told me she owns two houses. I told her I drive a Honda Civic. She told me she drives a Ferrari. Yeah, we matched up pretty good, and I felt pretty confident the relationship would go beyond e-mail.  

After about a week of messaging, I decided to ask her out for a date – just dinner or something. I figured I would send out the date invitation once she e-mailed me back.

I waited for the e-mail…one, two, three, four days—nothing. Five, six, seven, eight—nothing again. What the hell? I couldn't e-mail her, because it was her turn to e-mail me. I e-mailed her last. Nine, ten, eleven, twelve—nothing, nothing, NOTHING! 

Two weeks passed and still nothing. I cried…no, I'm just joking. But I did something else. I had to do it. I didn't have her to do it for me, so I had to do it myself. 

After a couple days of doing that non-stop you get pretty tired of yourself.

What to do, what to do. Craigslist didn't work, so now what?  I thought about it and decided to give real-life seeking another chance. 

I decided to hit up the bars. I went out, chicks in mind, and sought. I did that for a good day or so and realized that girls don't acknowledge me anymore. I constantly felt like Bill Cosby in Ghost Dad—I'm there, but no one saw me.

I concluded that I was invisible to women. Even my women friends wouldn't acknowledge me. I could say the most random things, and I wouldn't get a response.

 

"Yeah, so I sold my stock and now I'm rich. I own a 50-acre island off the Pacific. I'm hanging out with the seals all the time now. They love me." Nothing. 

So what does an invisible real-life seeker do? Post again on Craigslist.

Immature male seeks compatible immature female

”I'm a GREAT CATCH. There's no doubt about that. What else, people constantly tell me I'm awesome and could make a "certain someone" really happy. I go by the nickname "Stud" and can grow a pretty nice mustache. I sometimes still wear JNCO's, because they make me feel like I have big power legs. I consider myself a gourmand who feasts on and drinks ONLY the highest quality food and beverage. Some delightful delicacies include Ramen Noodles, Banquet Spaghetti dinners, Kool-aid, and Capri Suns.

”I once told a friend, ‘If you believe it; it will come true,’ and the next day he had huge arm and leg muscles--no joke. I'm currently searching the job market for that "perfect" job. You know, something low hours, weekends off, higher than average pay. Umm, what else? I drive a 2000 Honda Civic that runs strong 20’s in the quarter mile. Other than that, I'm just your typical guy who loves jogging, chess, and the occasional bread and butter combo.”

What happened that time around? Oh, yes, NOTHING! 

Two posts. Two freaking good strong posts down the drain. What are these women looking for? I don't know, but I had it. I was finished posting and just done with the whole dating thing.

I lost interest. I'd tell my friends, "dating…I'm not into that anymore. It's overrated. Who dates anyways now-a-days?" Of course, they started thinking I switched teams, but I knew I wasn't gay. I just didn't see the point anymore. Why do something that NEVER works out? 

I gave up. Just like that. I quickly became this shallow and bitter lone wolf who cursed every time he saw a couple holding hands. 

I blacked out my windows, turned off the lights, locked my door and lived in complete darkness. I would sit alone on Friday and Saturday nights doing things to myself that I never thought I would do. It was getting disgusting! Night after night; day after day.

Other than that, I would just sit around and browse Craigslist's women seeking men page. I couldn't stop. I was using more than five times a day now, and it was becoming a serious problem. It started to interfere with my job, my friends and my TV watching. I was missing shows I wanted to watch. Now I had to catch the rerun. I was pitiful. 

I was living in isolation for almost three hours when the feeling hit. I felt another post coming on. I don't know what sparked it, probably spite, but I wanted to give the posting another shot. 

”Do you walk at least 5 mph?

”I'm the most demanding on the CL. I need a 20-26 year old F, dark hair preferably, able to drive, normal height, and solid leg lifter. That will do.

”Myself: I work a crappy low pay job and drive a Honda civic, but I do have goals--I will one day reach the moon. I want someone compatible with me. I spend my coin on recreation: exploring, surfing, snowboarding, drinking, and upgrades. Fancy dinners cost the same as traveling somewhere new, so I don't get fancy that often. That will do--for now.”

Do I even have to go there?

I actually got one or two e-mails from that, but they were both hit and run e-mails. I hit them with a few lines, they hit back, I hit again and then they ran. They ran far, far away and never e-mailed me again.

I mean, this was getting sick. Real sick! And it was driving me to some weird sort of calm crazy. I'm calm, but I'm about to get crazy. 

I spent my days walking around and am constantly asking myself, "How does that guy have a girl? He looks like Carrot Top/Joan Rivers sex-gone-bad-result." 

I didn't understand it; nothing made sense anymore. I started thinking, "I need some sort of toy or something." 

So I put the kibosh on dating. It was OVER. The posting was no more. 

After about of week of new experiments, I started hearing a familiar voice, "Chicks man. Let's get the chicks. We need to be out there. We need to be involved. Chicks, chicks, chicks." Stop it! GET THESE CHICKS OUT OF MY HEAD!!! 

These chick thoughts went on for days, weeks, months. "I'm not into that anymore, brain. Leave…me…alone!

"Chicks, chicks, chicks." I couldn't stop the madness! 

The thoughts were growing and becoming more rapid. Before it was days, then it became hours, then minutes and now seconds!  I was having chick thoughts EVERY second! 

My mind was about to burst. I couldn't take it. I was going mad. 

"It's an everyday part of life—right? Maybe it's for some and not for others. But people are doing it. Why are they doing it? And I just want to date. A DATE! ONE DATE! It doesn't have to lead to anything; it would just be nice. I haven't dated in over a year, and it's starting to get ridiculous. Seriously, what the hell? I'm a normal looking guy around six-feet 170 pounds. College graduate, well-traveled, nice, goal-oriented, and fun. I mean, I'm not completely obsessed with the fact that I'm seeking a female companion age 20-29 interested in seeing a movie or something. Seriously, it's really not that big of deal that I'm an adventure seeker looking for an adventure with an adventurous woman. But it just bugs me that I can't find any women willing to go out and talk over dinner. I have to post. I MUST POST! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

The final post:

”I don't care if you talk fast.

”I've noticed that all women want a guy with a GREAT sense of humor. Well you won't find that HERE! Humor doesn't exist in this firm and muscular body! I'm strictly professional grade, serious, no holds barred, business. Listen, I smacked the last guy who told me a joke, I choked the last guy who laughed at a party and I almost killed the last guy who quoted himself as "humorous." Pish-posh to humor. Trust ME, all you women need is a strong-armed hunk that poses and takes pictures of himself with his shirt off. Just send a pic and your dreams will come true.”

NOTHING!!! Not ONE response! I mean, what do I have to post:

”Hello, my name's Jason. I am 23-years-old, have a great job that I love and enjoy a plethora of outdoor activities. I'm honest, caring and fun. I have a great sense of humor and would love to make you laugh.”

Oh yeah, right…that would NEVER get me a Craiglist success story…