The 5 Categories of Men

Written by: Lisa

Edited by: Julia Wolfe

Joboja Staff Writers

Remember how in high school every now and then a “Top 10” list would somehow slip out from the closely-knit boy community? Yes, it was childish and immature (as were we all) and yes, it did nothing but put us girls into categories.
Sexist categories at that—prettiest, best hair, best legs…you get the picture. The category for smartest never seemed to surface….go figure. Well, now it’s our turn. I’m going to show you how all men fit into 5 categories.

Hold your hand in front of you. Work with me on this one; it will make sense soon. Ok, hand up? Good. Let’s start with the thumb. These are the guys—regardless of their height—who are not overweight, but stocky.
The pinky represents the intensely skinny guys. You know the ones—the guys who take weight-gaining supplements, because no matter how many cheeseburgers and pizzas they down, they “just can’t seem to gain weight”.

These are the guys whose waists are smaller than ours; whose thighs bring to mind chicken legs. Can’t say we feel much sympathy for them as we go on diet after diet, our jeans too tight to breathe after one ice cream sundae.
Now think about your index finger for a moment. It’s great for pointing and picking things up, but what else? Rings aren’t marketed for the index finger. We don’t have fantasies that involve the index finger (ok, so maybe some of you do but I don’t want to know about them).

The men in this category have absolutely nothing wrong with them. They’re attractive, smart, funny, and completely into us. Yet for some reason we don’t want them. We don’t know why and we know we should. We just don’t feel anything towards them. The saying “good guys finish last” fits them.

The middle finger is self-explanatory; I’ll just move on.
Ah, the ring finger. The one most women are ultimately searching for. It symbolizes the lifelong partner and all that we associate with that.

Don’t get me wrong. Guys may fit into multiple categories. Who hasn’t been in a relationship with that perfect guy we thought was a ring finger?
Then later we recategorize him as a middle finger. It happens. It’s called dating. We move on.

Next time your best friend calls gushing about the perfect guy she’s met, ask her what finger he is, and explain.
In the meantime, don’t turn a guy down just because he’s a pinky and you prefer thumbs. On behalf of all of those index fingers out there, give them a chance, too. Those roses and late night phone calls are hard to come by. Every finger has a story to tell and you just might be surprised what you learn.