No Hope for the Job Seeker

Written by: Jason Sarna
Edited by: Sharon Estill
Joboja Staff Writers

I'm constantly holding back tears, reluctantly writing down phone numbers, losing all hope, shaking my head and excessively unenthusiastic—I'm looking for jobs.

I was hoping to find a paying writing job, but that's just impossible! I've been trying for two weeks now and nothing. Hopefully I'll find something eventually, but I can't keep on wasting my time looking without getting paid.

So now I'm forced to find some crappy part-time job. It's terrible…just terrible. The entire job search process is one of the worst things ever. You have to drive around, look for "Now Hiring" signs, walk in, ask for an application, fill it out, turn it in, walk back to your car and repeat. The sheer thought sends chills down my spine.

The first thing I think about when looking for a crappy part-time job is schedule control. I want to make my own schedule. I don't want to be surprised with Friday and Saturday evening shifts or Sunday doubles. I want to work Monday-Friday, let's say 11 a.m. to 4 p.m.

Where can I get a job like this? I instantly thought about the fast food business: they need people all the time, they take whatever help they can get, they hire EVERYONE and they pay pretty well!

So I'm driving around and I see a "Now Hiring" sign displayed at the local Wendy's. I park, walk in and ask, "Hey are you guys still hiring by any chance?" I'm 23-years-old and not a complete idiot. I should get the job just for asking for the application and for the fact that I'm not a teenager.

"Hello, are you hiring?"

"YES, you're hired…and you're the manager."

That's how a Wendy's hiring should go.

But it doesn't.

Instead, I have to sit down and fill out a four-page application that doesn't even guarantee me the job. I probably won't get the job, because I'm on this no hiring streak that's getting ridiculous. I applied at a candy store about three weeks ago and didn't even get a call back. Who can't get hired at a Candy Store? And now I think I have what it takes to work at Wendy's? Who knows? But I have this strong suspicion that Wendy's won't call me back either, and again, I'll be like, "Wow, I'm glad filling out that application only took two hours. I mean, I could've been stuck in work history and education for a lot longer than 90 minutes. I lucked out—I'm lucky."

And what the fuck is that? The work history—list six previous jobs in GREAT detail. SIX! Are you kidding me?! What…Is Wendy's going to do a background check? "Yeah, I'm calling about a Jason. Uh-huh, was he a hustler? Ok, now, did he have a good ear? Was he a skip scheduler…well, did schedule skip?"

And education section—why? List your high school, college, trade school and graduate school. A master's degree? Yeah, Wendy's had a fucking graduate school section. What worker at Wendy's has their master's degree? That application should be nothing but name, phone, and that's it. Maybe criminal history, but that's even pushing it. If I got out of jail and couldn't work at Wendy's, I'd be pretty fucking pissed. I'll tell you one thing though; my reference section is looking up! A lot of my friends have good jobs now, so now I can put actual professions instead of "friend or student" in that section.

I also applied at Subway, and I have to say, I was pretty excited about this job. I've made subs before; I can do that. Anyway, I walk into Subway, turn on the charm, smile, raise the eyebrows and say, "Hi, can I have an application please?"

"No, we're not hiring anymore."

"Oh…really? Alright, thank you." I calmly exited the establishment and walked to my car while mumbling, "YOU'RE NOT FUCKING HIRING! WHAT THE FUCK IS THE SIGN?! Mother fucker!! Dammit!!! I wanted that job. Take down the SIGN!"

That was complete bullshit, but I kept strong and applied elsewhere. Oh yes, I applied at a video store, a mint (place that makes coins), Dunkin Donuts and that's it. I still have some online applications I need to fill out, but that's no big deal. I'm just glad to be done with the outdoor applications. I'm thinking that one of those places has to call me back. If not, I'll probably just give up all together, because if I can't get a job at Wendy's, Dunkin Donuts or a video store, there's just no hope.