The Winter of My Discontent with Weathermen

Written by Bob Rehak
Edited by: Sharon Estill
Joboja Staff Writers

Winter is right around the corner. I realize that some may say that it's already here, having announced itself with 6 inches of snow last week. Others may say that according to the calendar, I'm right, that it will officially arrive in the early morning hours of December 22.

I define the official arrival of winter as the first time that all of our local Chicken Littles break into prime-time programming to tell us that the sky is falling. I know it's winter when Steve Baskerville, Brant Miller, Jerry Taft and Tom Skilling give us this "breaking news": if we look outside, we'll see snow.

Each fearless forecaster has his own style. I've always told my kids that if they really want to know the weather, stick their heads out the window. If they want to know what happened in 1873 or get someone's best guess about what it will be like seven days from now, watch the late night news.

Side note to weathermen: even God has no idea what he's going to cook up for us a week from now, weather-wise, so give it a rest.

But which weatherman has the best show? Who panics and who doesn't? Below is a guide to the local weather scene. I've rated the four late-night weathermen on a scale of one to five Chickens. The lower the Chicken Rating, the calmer the forecaster.

*Note: Fox 32's Amy Freeze was not included in the ratings because of her name and because she's likely to blame any bad weather on the Republicans. CLTV also wasn't included because they would get yesterday's weather wrong. I think they have one of those novelty "weather rocks" you see at pumpkin farms: "If rock is wet, it's raining; if rock is hot, it's sunny; if rock is gone, it's a tornado," etc.

Channel 2's Steve Hound of the Baskerville's weather report is watchable if only for its brevity. He doesn't howl about the weather, but he's like your grandmother (the good one)—he's always smiling and always cheerful. His demeanor never changes. There may be a metal spacer in his jaws, because he's always got the same expression on his face, kind of like a ventriloquist dummy.

Still, Steve keeps the graphics to a minimum and gives you a quick, five minute prediction. He keeps today's weather biography to a minimum. I really don't' need to know what the weather was like since sun up. I already lived through it. He knows the reason I watch the weather. Give me the best guess for the next 24 hours and move on so we can get to the really important news of the day—the sports.

RATING: 2 Chickens

On Channel 5, Brant Miller, or Bland Miller as I refer to him, heads up the weather department. Based on his delivery, if this career move doesn't work out for him, I would suggest he get a job as a funeral director. He welcomes you with a sincere smile, then gives you his weather in a calm monotone. He will get overexcited about a rain cloud over Aurora, however, and pull out the graphics to impress the ladies. He's a little too slick at times, and he should definitely lose the "Brant's weather pictures" bit that features grainy photos viewers have sent to his email. I don't know about you, but I usually delete emails with photos attached of some guy's backyard. I suggest he do the same, so we can get to the sports.

RATING: 3 Chickens

The featured weatherman on Channel 7 is Uncle Jerry Taft. Uncle Jerry has the same demeanor as your crazy uncle who gives you a noogie or puts you in a headlock whenever he sees you. Sure, that's fun stuff, but it gets embarrassing at times, such as Aunt Shirley's wake. You like Jerry well enough, but you have the feeling he once spent a year at Clown College.

Uncle Jer cuts to the chase quickly, but if there's a dusting of snow, he's not above breaking into your "Grey's Anatomy". Those shots of Uncle Jerry in the "weather center" are priceless. He pretends he's looking at some printout of weather data and turns around to face the camera just in time, as if to say, "Oh, hello. Welcome to my lab. I was just inputting data into the ABC-7 WHOPPER 5000. It could be a long night."

Jerry's "weather center" always reminds me of the command center at Space Mountain in Disney World. Colored lights are blinking, switches are clicking on and off and a radar screen is sweeping across a glowing green background, looking for trouble. At least at Disney World I knew the command center was make-believe, although I did once take a rocket to the moon and narrowly miss a meteor.

Uncle Jerry can put on quite the act, though he delivers news of a blizzard like Bozo giving a eulogy. Enough of the chit-chat with Kathy Brock and Ron Majors, too. Go for coffee after the newscast if you want: you're delaying the sports!

RATING: 4 Chickens

Tom "Rainman" Skilling on Superstation Channel 9 is just plain nuts. He's not a weatherman; he's a weather savant. Rumor has it that Skilling changed his middle name to Doppler.

He not only gives you the weather; he gives you its motivation. It's not the mixture of a cold front and warm front that cause changes in the weather, but epic battles between the forces of good and evil. His weather segment lasts longer than "The Lord of the Rings". The entire trilogy.

Rainman Skilling has more graphics than should be legally allowed. I compare his weather report to a soap opera: you don't have to watch the entire hour, just the last 5 minutes. My wife went into labor with our second child just as Skilling started his report and the boy was nursing by the time he gave us the seven-day outlook.

No one understands what he's saying, either. Allison Payne and Steve Sanders go have dinner when it's time for Rainman. Every storm is Armageddon to him. Skilling IS the original Chicken Little (when he puts on his glasses there's even a resemblance, when you think about it). He panics at the first snowflake; he panics at the first raindrop; he panics at the first degree above 72.

I understand that the weather is his life, but I don't want his life story every evening for 40 minutes. CUT TO THE CHASE already! Give me your best guess for the next 24 hours FIRST, then you can hold your weather lecture. The weather should be like a drive-thru window: give me what I need so I can move on. If I want a sit-down meal I'll get out of the car. If he cut down on the lecture, we'd have more time for sports!

RATING: 5.5 Chickens