"God Bless the Dream, the Dreamer and the Result." 

Monday, January 28, 2008

Dating For Fun and Profit

Written by: Jeffrey Lorber
Edited by: Julia Wolfe
Joboja Staff Writers

Having been married for the past 27 years, and out of the dating scene for about the same amount of time (plus a few months), I’m qualified as an expert on the subject of dating. How is that possible? I was 32 years old when I got married, giving me a solid 16 years of dating experience, which is probably more than you.

So pay attention—the geezer may know a thing or two. Now that my creds are established, let’s get to the good stuff:

First, what is your dating “goal”? Are you looking for a good time, wink wink, or a future Mr. or Mrs. Glockenspeil? Either way the first mission is to find your prey. Where are they hiding?


Before we actually locate the homo erectus descendent that you are seeking (male or female), you need to understand the concept of “routines”. Look at your own life. You wake up at the same time every day, go through your morning ablutions, get to work or school, do roughly the same thing all day.
You go home, eat and study, or work some more, maybe hang out, and watch TV, day after day after day. Until ohmygod it’s the WEEKEND, when you expect things to be different…but that would be delusional.

If you’re looking for a one-night-stand, you only need to go where that’s the expectation – clubs, bars, etc. But that’s not your mission, Bunky, is it? You want romance, passion, love, a meaningful relationship, right?
Well, no one I ever have met or known found his or her true love at Happy Hour. So the weekend is exactly NOT the best time to meet Mr. or Mrs. Right. Get out of the house, have a few drinks and enjoy yourself.

It’s fun. It’s just not going to result in anything meaningful. Set your expectations accordingly.

Whether it’s boy hunting or girl hunting, the rules are the same:

You will find them where you like to find yourself. If you go to church 5 days a week or can’t resist Starbucks and a good book, or haven’t missed an Ohio State football game in the last 10 years, then that’s where you look: Church, Starbucks, Barnes & Noble, the local sports Bar and Grill. Those are the places you will find people with common interests.
Sometimes you have to actually look around. If the guys/gals are all creeps at The Church of the Holy Redeemer that you attend, or the local Barnes and Noble, don’t give up. There are other churches, bars, bookstores, and movie theatres around.

Get off your butt and go take a look. Ever been to a synagogue or mosque?
Hunting alone or in a pack: This is a question of personal taste. I always found that I did better on my own. After all, I’m not getting married with the hockey team, so why hunt with them?

Besides, they are the competition. That includes your best friend. And don’t ever hunt with a homely friend, because if they score, and you don’t, you will be depressed for life!

The Pretty Girl Theory

It is a fact, indisputable and undeniable, that every pretty girl (or boy), unless they are an absolute head-case already has a boy/girl friend. You can take it to the bank. That doesn’t mean they are in a satisfying or meaningful relationship, but unless your timing is impeccable, they will all be taken.

So what’s a boy or girl to do? Simply put, you have to supply what is missing. You have to win them away.

The good news is you don’t have to go to a sales seminar to accomplish this feat. Be yourself. By that I mean be the best version of yourself possible.
You have a choice between using a brush and putting on clean clothes, or running your fingers through your hair and wearing that same shirt that has lain on the floor for the past week. Make the right choice.

Happy hunting.
P.S. The sniff test. If a person doesn’t smell good to you, move on. This is primal and a failsafe test of basic compatibility.

P.P.S. The absolute best place to pick up a girl is at a department store, in the women’s clothing section, on a weekday afternoon. When women are bored, they shop! Good luck.


bleh said...

This is the suckiest dating advice I have ever read. It reads like a Beetle Bailey cartoon.

Please stick to giving advice to other married people, or to social retards.

Anonymous said...

I think this is good, practical advice, despite what the previous commentator had to say. (And anyone who uses the word "suckiest" obviously is going to have more problems than just getting a date).