The Cost and FX of Texting

Written by: Bob Rehak
Edited by: Sharon Estill
Joboja Staff Writers

I don't get text messages.

I mean that literally and figuratively, as in, I don't receive any text messages, and I don't understand text messages.

I don't receive any text messages because I don't own a cell phone. That's a simple enough explanation. Don't get me started on why I don't own one; that's another article for another day, and I need all the ideas I can get to remain employed.

When I say that I don't understand text messages, I don't mean that I can't comprehend them, I mean that I don't understand their reason for being. Kind of like the problem I have understanding why we have parsley or iguanas in this world.

Help me understand text messaging: you have a perfectly good, working cell phone in your hand. Inside the cell phone is data that includes the names and numbers of everyone you know, including some you'd rather not know (i.e,. not part of your "fives." Hey, I may not own a cell phone but I still know how to speak cell slang). You scroll through your contact list and pick the person you're going to contact (nice symmetry there). At this point, you have arrived at an electronic fork in the road. You can choose "send Message" and T-Y-P-E what you want to say, or you can just touch the "Send" button and your perfectly good, working cell phone will do what the AT&T gods intended: it will CALL that person, and you can chat away (assuming her or she isn't busy texting someone at the same time).

If you choose to drive down the T-Y-P-E road, you have to use your opposable thumbs like a monkey playing Tetris and type your 160 character-maximum message, then hit "Send." Of course, first you have to master the type-kwon-do moves necessary to create a text message, since you only have 8 numbers for all 26 letters. I've seen some Blackberry-belt masters on the train work their phones to create a text message. It's all very impressive and very unnecessary at the same time. Kind of like being able to swallow fire.

Now that you have composed a 160-character maximum text message, you can hit "Send" and wait for one of your fives to read it and come back with a pithy response. Unless of course his phone is turned off, or he reads your text message and decides to ignore it. That's the chance you take with texting.

Of course, limiting a text message to 160 characters requires that you learn the text-messaging language. I've read text messages before, and I can understand the shorthand. It's cute. But by no means is it original. Ever since Cain called Abel "that SOB brother of mine," people have used abbreviations to communicate thoughts. But abbreviations are useful only if you know what they mean. I love it when someone receives a text message with an abbreviation that's unfamiliar. She'll stare at it and try to decipher what it all means. She'll ask other people what a certain string of characters mean. Finally, she may give up and just CALL the sender to ask what "JWTTMYML" means.

"Don't be silly, Ashley, it's 'Just Wanted To Text Message You My Love.'"

How personal.

Of course, my Dad may be to blame for all this texting. I think he may have invented text messaging in the 50s. He was married to my mother for over 39 years before she passed away, and ever since he decided that Illinois was the place to live, he would write her a text message every time it snowed. Every time. Each time there was a fresh snowfall; my Dad would go out to the backyard and stamp out "LUM" in the snow, right under their bedroom window. It stood for "Love You MaryAnn". When we put up a basketball pole in the driveway in 1971, he made sure to write "LUM" in the cement. And it didn't cost him 99 cents a minute (ironically, he worked for AT&T, so maybe that's where they got the idea).

Just like the old saying that there's no such thing as a free lunch, I hate to tell all you texters out there, but there's no such thing as free texting. I have to laugh at those of you who think it's free. Because you've been duped.

T-Mobile and Verizon charge 15 cents per message; Sprint and US Cellular charge 20 cents. You say you have a monthly plan, and that you get "Free and Unlimited" texting? Sorry, PT Barnum, but you're wrong. All those carriers charge $5 to $20 per month JUST FOR THE TEXTING.

If you don't believe me, consider this verbiage from one of the carriers' websites, taken word for word:

"For an even better bargain, you can purchase a monthly package. All incoming messages are FREE and UNLIMITED, plus you automatically receive a text messaging e-mail address to send, receive and reply to e-mail via text message."

Ahem. If you "purchase a monthly package…incoming messages are FREE and UNLIMITED??" Last time I looked, "purchase" doesn't equate to "FREE." My dog knows that maxim. You're still paying for the premium. It's like saying that you get HBO and all your movies and HBO programming are free. But…you…pay…$9.95…per…month…to…add…HBO…to…your…cable…package.

To further prove that there's no such thing as free texting; ask your carrier how much your monthly plan would be WITHOUT text messaging. Five to 20 dollars less, they would tell you. Basically you're paying an additional $5 for each cell phone in the house. So a family of 4 will pay an additional $20 a month to include "free and unlimited" text messaging. That's $240 per year. That's right, Dorothy, say it with me now, "There's no such thing as free texting. There's no such thing as free texting…"

And for all of you "American Idol" fans who weren't AT&T customers, you were charged 99 cents every time you voted for Clay Aiken a few years back. Shame on you all, for obvious reasons.

And check out these stats: last year AT&T carried 64.5 million text messages as "Idol" viewers voted, and it charged them up to 15 cents for each vote, depending on their wireless plan. That translated into a 50 percent boost in messages from the year before, and almost 10 times more than the company carried during the first season of "Idol".

Roger Entner, wireless analyst for IAG Research, said, “The sponsorship was a strike of genius on AT&T's part. The messaging revenue they get from the show is almost pure profit. The cost of servicing a text message is a tiny fraction of a cent, and they're charging what? Fifteen cents a message?" Viewers can use any brand of phone service to call in support for their favorite contestant, but only AT&T customers can vote via text message.

And it's not just "Idol" that's riding this gravy train. About $17 million was raked in by NBC on the Deal or No Deal "Lucky Case Game" just in the first three months of 2007. No wonder Howie's on a "Million Dollar Mission." He needs to unload some of that guilt.

And texting isn't just costing dollars. According to a recent study by AAA on teen texting, nearly 46% of teens send text messages on their cell phones while driving.

Are you people kidding me? Why not just set up an Xbox and a flat screen TV on the dashboard while you're at it?

While there are no definitive statistics yet available about texting-related accidents, according to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, almost 80 percent of accidents in the U.S. are caused by distracted drivers. Additionally, there are more than 43,000 fatalities caused yearly in the U.S. by traffic accidents.

Do the math. But not while you're driving. Please.