Trick My Writing

By Bob Rehak

While I believe that the oldest trick in the book is when you get a dog to “sit” (I believe Adam taught it to his lesser known dog, which he named “Beta”), the journalistic equivalent of the oldest trick in the book is to fill up a space with comments on more than one topic. For example, Richard Roeper of the Chicago Sun-Times uses it all the time; under the guise that you’re getting 4 columns for the price of one. What he’s really saying is that he can’t fill up the space with enough to say about one particular topic, so he gives you 4 appetizers rather than an entire entrée. The second oldest trick in the book of journalism is to fill up a column with letters and emails from readers, then insert pithy one-liners as a “response”. Watch for one of those columns from your favorite columnist coming soon. I guarantee you it took 4 minutes to write that column. Probably on a golf course. Since I don’t have reader email and letters to respond to, (although I have plenty of pithy one-liners [that’s the second time I used the word ‘pithy’; I really like it]), I will just stick to the four-columns-in-one trick to satisfy my editorial obligations this week:

Bartman won’t appear at convention for $25,000 for single autograph: As reported on this website and elsewhere, infamous Cubs fan Steve Bartman turned down an offer to appear at a Sports Memorabilia convention for $25,000 in exchange for a single autograph. Bartman has always pledged to never profit from his unfortunate choice of seats for Game 6 of the 2003 NLCS. I admire him for his conviction. I’m sure there are many of us who would be hard pressed to turn down that much money for a single signature, but he’s made his choice and he’s sticking to it. Either he’s a man of his word, or he’s holding out for more money. I will continue to admire him if he sticks to his word, but I will also understand if he waits it out for a better offer, and takes it. As a Cubs fan who was at that game, I am in an elite group of only 42,000+ other people on this planet who felt cheated that we didn’t witness the Cubs win the pennant that night in person. But I don’t blame Bartman. I blame the umpires. Take a look at the picture of Steve and Moises Alou as they both go for the ball. Can you honestly say that the ball is inside the railing in the stands? It’s always looked to me like the ball was headed onto the field, had it not encountered Steve’s bare hands. And if that’s the case, then it’s fan interference, and the batter is automatically out, and it’s a dead ball. Since this was the NLCS, there was a 6 man umpiring crew (2 extra umpires watching the outfield foul lines). That crew did not have the nerve to call fan interference, and it cost us an out. Whether or not we would have won the game will never be known. So there’s nothing to forgive Bartman for. There’s not a fan alive (an honest fan) who would have backed off that ball, including all the fans near Bartman who can be seen reaching for the ball as well. Hold out for more money, Steve. Or hold out for your convictions. Either way, this Cubs fan is behind you.

The Army reneges on promise to Caleb Campbell to allow him to play in the NFL: Before Caleb Campbell graduated from West Point, he was told by the Army he could enter the NFL draft this year, and that if he made the team, he would be allowed to play for the Detroit Lions and carry out his military service as a recruiter.

But military policy was reinterpreted recently, and the Army informed Campbell that he would be required to serve at least two years on active duty before he could apply to be released. He was told of this change of purple heart the day before training camp opened. This one conflicts me, like paying $2 a pound for crab legs that are 3 days past their expiration date. Campbell chose the military and had to know that it wasn’t all fun and war games. He made a commitment. On the other hand, the Army also made a commitment to him to let him enter the NFL, only to back out of the deal so as not to set a bad precedent (or just to satisfy a general who hates the Lions). In my mind this set a nice precedent for young men and women everywhere: the military will not pamper you or show you favoritism. If you go into the military, be prepared to fulfill your commitment. Maybe other young men and women will now think twice about joining the military. Perhaps we saved a few lives here.

Parents Upset that “Dark Night” is too “dark”: Some parents (who probably should have their Parent Cards taken away) have complained about all the violence in the new Batman movie, “The Dark Knight”. They say it’s too violent for children. I agree; that’s why there’s a PG-13 rating attached to the movie that says, “FOR INTENSE SEQUENCES OF VIOLENCE AND MENACE”. Part of the problem is the numbing down and dumbing down of moviegoers. “Dark Knight” was given a PG-13 rating because we’re all getting numb to the violence that’s depicted on big screens at the Cineplex and little screens in the home (though some homes have Cineplexes in the home). Blood courses through prime time television offerings, and it gets kicked up a notch at the movies. If you think your child is too young to see someone get a pencil in the head, or too young for “intense violence and menace”, leave little Johnny at home. There’s a reason why it’s not recommended for children under 13. There’s also a reason why there’s an explanation of the PG-13 rating right on the movie poster. There’s also a reason why not everyone should be a parent.

Drew Peterson’s friends wear a wire: Two friends of suspect Drew Peterson secretly taped conversations they had with him, during which he supposedly implicated himself in the murders of his one dead and one missing wives. Drew’s attorney basically laughed off the whole sting operation, knowing that it wouldn’t hold up in court, especially with Stacy Peterson still missing. Just like Joran van der Sloot, the prime suspect in Natalee Holloway’s disappearance, Peterson spouted off about his role in his crime to people he knew as friends. And just like van der Sloot, Drew won’t be headed to jail anytime soon. These days it takes a videotape of the actual crime to get convicted of anything, and even then you can just claim it isn’t you on the tape (see R. Kelly). Everyone is presumed innocent, even after they admit to being guilty.